mostly when I can’t sleep; I desperately ponder how a person decides who they want in their day to day life. At what point a one night stand turns into a friend; a Tumblr crush, to someone you add on Facebook; a ex-coworker that invites you to their engagement party. Families and titles make no difference (ie that cousin you haven’t contacted in years). There are many ways to contact a person, all incredibly fast and effective, so there should be no excuse to unanswered phone calls or messages. People often talk about somebody they use to know, but have no idea how they moved to past tense. I want to know every quality I lack to someone who lost interest in me. Every conversation they held with their very best friends on why I just didn’t make the cut. If you think about every relationship you’ve had, were you not only with that person because they were there first? Is it healthy to feel THIS SAD about all the people I will never meet? Is it probable I will EVER get over the people I wanted in my day to day life, who just didn’t want it back?

I lie awake at night too often. I’m either thinking too hard, or waiting for someone who never called back…to call back.

realising that men and women are so very different.

I can list, off the top of my head, onwards of 5 long term, committed relationships where men have turned around and told their significant other they don’t love them anymore or their feelings aren’t as strong as they use to be. Just like that, with no real warning. And I have, on many occasions, watched these rejected, heartbroken women walk around in a miserable haze for close to a year trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong…but getting nowhere. Two of those, I was on the men’s side watching their lack of empathy for that woman and somehow convincing myself that was ok (which was cruel on my part).

I have never met a woman who has simply “fallen out of love” with her partner and it makes it hard to respect men who say that they have, because I really don’t think the concept exists. When you love someone, I don’t believe it is that easy to push them away, even if they were either horrible people. If it is, I don’t think you ever really loved them.

Furthermore, unfortunately, I think men are inherently selfish and what is worse, usually try to veil their selfishness behind self blame and “you’d be better off without me anyways”, which is simply a front to hide their selfishness.

Sadly, the list of men I trusted with my health, happiness and heart, both in childhood and recently, is very quickly shortening and I think that is a very sad realisation for such a young woman to come to because it leaves alot of room for bitterness in life. And I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to understand why men suck, especially those who I have spent so long defending the honour of.

THIS! UGH!

I don’t think being openly bullied is my worst fear. I feel like I am stuck in a place where people no longer give me a hard time, so much as they take the good times from me.

you walk into these relationships with no expectations, thinking ‘they wont call, they wont call”…and then they call. they call and you talk for hours. and the next day you think, they wont text me. and they text, which leads to more phone calls…

and phone calls lead to coffee and coffee nearly always leads to falling in love with someone’s personality…

and there are months in between where you feel light, scribbling their name in the back of your work book during staff meetings just giddy you made a friend. and they’ll say something like “I don’t think I could feel closer to you right now”, something they probably won’t remember, but you will never forget, and you’ll keep not forgetting over making tea one day in your office…which leads to crying in your bathroom. because eventually they stopped calling.

they stopped calling and now you can’t remember how anything felt when they were around. but you know you miss them right? because otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting on Tumblr writing about it.

pretty pissed I had to drop psychology this semester, the assignment was on infidelity which:

1. I swear to God I could write a fricken novel on.
2. I saw a GREAT article on at McDonalds tonight (of all places!)

instead, I will spend my Sunday night analysing how to “apologise safely in mediation”. still a complete turn on, just something I know nothing about it…

“and I know its not to get away from me, you just need a change of scenery. so strange how everything went wrong so fast and I hope that this confusion does not last. these words might be, too little too late, and I’m afraid that I have already lost you. now three months equals eternity and this will be so hard. and I just long to hold you in my arms!”

Gotye